Monday Morons--Do I have Chlamydia?

If you are a woman and you are having any kind of problems below the waist and have to go see a doctor about it, the doctor will usually say that you need a pelvic exam. You might have appendicitis, so you'd better have a pelvic exam. Why? I mean, I'm not a doctor, so I'm not sure what they are looking for, but I'm pretty sure that my appendix isn't in there guys.

I sometimes wonder if guys have a similar problem. If you have the stomach flu or are worried that you need to have your appendix out, do they check your prostate?

I suppose that they are looking to see if the woman is pregnant. Not that you can always tell be looking. And not that they ask to see if you could be pregnant before they start looking. Sometimes when I haven't missed any periods, and it's been a while since I've even had sex, I'm pretty damned sure that I'm not pregnant. But I don't think that anyone has ever asked me before they told me to put my feet up in the stirrups.

Several years ago, my mom was having some problems. Eventually she went in and had a barium enema to see if she could have diverticulitis. But having a barium enema isn't a lot of fun and it is expensive, so they wanted to rule out a few other things first. This was obviously something wrong with her stomach or intestines, but apparently it is cheaper to rule out gynecological problems first. Better have pelvic exam first. In fact, better see a specialist first. The specialist proceeded to talk to my mother about all sorts of serious gynecological problems that she might have and that she might need a hysterectomy. I don't think so.

And my sister had a lot of problems when she was younger, though a lot of those were actually gynecological and did require pelvic exams. But she was having so many pelvic exams, she should have gotten frequent flyer miles or something. A couple of times she was taken to the emergency room, just to make sure that she didn't have appendicitis, and they did a pelvic exam. After they were pretty sure she didn't have that they gave her antibiotics and pain meds and such and sent her home with a note that said she should see her regular doctor the next week. So of course the regular doctor also did a pelvic exam and such.

Among other things, my sister did have endometriosis and she was treated with laparoscopic something or other. My parents asked that they look at her appendix while they were in there. The doctor said that she had a weird appendix and that it was at an angle where he couldn't see it, which left my parents wondering if she really did have a weird appendix or if he just made that up because he forgot to look at it.

While all of this was going on, my sister had some other problems like the rest of us often do. She had a few UTIs and some stomach troubles. Possibly some of the stomach trouble was because of stress of having to see the doctor so often about the other stuff.

On one of the doctor visits, the doctor decides that in addition to the endometriosis my sister probably has chlamydia as well. I'm not sure that we'd ever heard of chlamydia before, or at least we weren't sure what it was, and we looked it up and found out it was an STD. The doctor hadn't done any tests for this when he decided that was what she had, he just thought that she had the symptoms and chlamydia was a very common problem, so my sister probably had it.

Sometimes chlamydia has no symptoms, and it is so common because there are all these people spreading it around because they don't know that they have it. So that was kind of weird that a doctor decided that she must have it because she had all the right symptoms. But it is a problem because it can cause infertility and can make people more susceptible to other STDs and such, so even when chlamydia doesn't have any symptoms it shouldn't be ignored.

At the time this was going on my sister was a teenager and she'd never had sex. Not only did we believe that she'd never had sex, not only had she already told the doctor that she'd never had sex, but the doctor had given her a pelvic exam not on that visit but about a month before. On the previous visit he had advised that my sister should consider having her hymen surgically removed because of the frequent pelvic exams. I guess he forgot.

Anyway, my sister did not have chlamydia, and you have trouble taking the doctor seriously after something like that. But she did have endometriosis and she did have the laparoscopic thing to try to deal with it. It didn't help as much as she hoped.

A few years ago I took Adolescent Development in school. It was a really interesting class, and I'm glad that I took it, though it ended up being wasted credit since I ended up not getting a teaching degree. But I remember that we had a test and that we had a section on STDs and on the test we were asked what was the most common STD. And I'm pretty sure that the answer was chlamydia. I don't think that based on that you should just start telling people that they have it without doing the lab work first. And now I'm wondering if I remembered it wrong, or if maybe they weren't counting HPV as an STD when I was taking that class. 50 to 80 percent of women have had HPV, though most of us don't seem to have had anything bad happen as a result. And since we do not get it from toilet seats, and most of us are not lesbians, I would think that we were getting the HPV from say 50 to 80 percent of the men. So that's a lot of people who have had HPV. Have more people than that really had chlamydia? That's a lot of people.

Have your neighbors joined a bookclub, or are they just perverts?

Okay, so someone I know has a blog and he's trying to make money off of the blog with ads and such. Most of these ads just magically appear on his blog. He doesn't choose the ads. The service reads his blog and then decides which ads go where. I don't even think that there's anyone actually reading the blog to select the ads. I think there's just a program that looks for certain words and then matches the blog posts with the whatever ads are available.

So we were all having a bit of a laugh one day when all these ads for sex toys popped up. There was nothing in the recent posts about sex toys. I'm not sure sex toys had ever been mentioned anywhere in the blog. Certainly the word sex is written from time to time, but I wouldn't think that he'd written it enough lately to get anyone's attention.

Anyway, my husband notices that some of the sex toy ads are from Amazon.com. Silly, me. I thought Amazon.com just sold books.

But, a couple of clicks later, and there are several thousand listings for sex toys.

I don't know where some of this stuff is supposed to go or what it is supposed to do. And we're having a good laugh and wondering what cyberskin is. And why is most of this stuff made in such bright colors? You would think that half of this stuff would be skin tones. And you'd think the other half would be white or something boring so that if you didn't look too close you wouldn't know it was a sex toy and maybe just think it was an electric toothbrush or something. But that doesn't appear to be the case. Apparently bright purple is the favorite color.

I haven't seen anything with stripes or polka-dots, but I haven't looked at that many yet.

And why are there remote controls on some of this stuff? That really creates some odd mental pictures. First it made me think of some creepy guy in another room watching someone on a TV screen. My second thought was of a bunch of people in a circle zapping each other like on The Simpsons.

And what is with this glass stuff? I don't want glass anywhere near there. And I wonder if there's a lot of broken glass due to people dropping their sex toys in the shower? That's just really weird.

Oh, wait. Maybe I have seen stuff with stripes and dots. Never mind.

So I'm having a good time looking at the silly things, and my husband asks me something like which one would I want if I was into this stuff. I don't know. Sorry, I was just having a good laugh looking at the pictures. I didn't know I was supposed to be taking notes or anything.

So the next time I see something that looks interesting, I click on it, but I get a message that it is temporarily unavailable. Okay. And the next thing that looks interesting is also unavailable. And I read that a few more times and then I gave up and went to bed.

A few days later there was a box on the doorstep. It's about 11 by 9 by 3 inches. It's a good size box for sending a book or two. And it's from Amazon.com.

Only it doesn't have any books in it.

So I guess he was offering to buy me something cause he'd already bought himself something. I have a good laugh and wait for him to come home so I can tease him about it.

Turns out that he had ordered me something too, only it hadn't arrived yet.

I make a note of when to look for the second mailman who delivers the boxes. I can't have boxes like this just sitting on my doorstep for the whole world to see.

The next day at about the same time I receive another box that is about the right size for a book. Only it is not a book. It was not so vulgar looking as most of the stuff we seen. It was long and shiny, requires 2 AA batteries, and could easily be mistaken for an electric toothbrush or something like that.

Except that it is metallic purple.

Okay, we're off to the drugstore for lubricant, antibacterial soap, etc....

Sometimes, it's the thought that counts. Having never really given this sort of thing much serious thought before, we didn't really know what to order. Now that we get the general idea, maybe something longer for him, maybe something softer and not so long and narrow for me.

And while I was looking at all the silly ads, I did find a mold your own penis kit. It costs about ninety dollars. Right now, I think I'll pass on it.

Think maybe he'll buy me some Victoria Secret stuff now? Wonder if Amazon.com sells that sort of thing?

Sex List

We're having more weird weather here. It just seemed to come out of nowhere. And I was nearly struck by lightning when I was writing this.


I found this on someone else's blog. I don't even read this blog, I just stopped by from another blog and saw this.


First, I'm just going to have a copy of the list without doing anything to it or admitting what I may or may not have done. That way, if someone wants to copy it they won't have to go back and delete the remarks.

Copy this entire list to your blog/journal.
BOLD everything that is true about you.
Leave plain anything that is not true about you.
Put an asterisk next to anything you would like to be true.


1. I have had sex while wearing a blindfold.

2. I have blindfolded someone else during sex.

3. I have had sex while watching porn.

4. I have had sex while surfing porn on the Internet.

5. I sleep better after sex.

6. There are some nights I cannot sleep without sex or masturbating.

7. The bed is NOT my most favorite place to have sex.

8. I am turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate.

9. I have had sex knowning someone else was watching.

10. I have watched a couple have sex

11. I have masturbated for someone over a web cam.

12. I have had sex over a web cam.

13. I have had a one night stand.

14. I have been tied up during sex.

15. I have had sex with someone who was tied up.

16. I have dripped wax onto a lover's body.

17. I have had a lover drip wax onto my body.

18. I have a foot fetish.

19. I have a leather fetish.

20. I have a tickle fetish.

21. I like being choked during sex.

22. I have had phone sex.

23. I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence.

24. I enjoy nudie magazines.

25. Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget.

26. I think PLAYBOY is tame, maybe even boring.

27. I have clicked on porn links in my email.

28. I have watched more than one gay/lesbian porn video.

29. Much of what I know about sex comes from porn.

30. I have given/received a facial.

31. I think we should do more to understand the cultures of sex.

32. I would participate in sex research given the opportunity.

33. My current lover does not sufficiently meet my sexual needs.

34. I currently have a "crush" on someone of the same sex.

35. I want to have sex with someone on my blogroll

36. I have had sex at my place of employment.

37. I am often disappointed in my sexual relationships.

38. Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac.

39. I am difficult to live with if I'm not having sex on a regular basis.

40. I sleep better with someone snuggled up next to me.

41. I have had sex under water.

42. I have had sex in the snow.

43. I am in a polyamorous relationship.

44. I have to have music playing while having sex.

45. I have had more than ten orgasms in one night.

46. I have flashed strangers.

47. I have given sex as a gift.

48. I have set-up a three-way for my lover.

49. I have made a video having sex.

50. I have taken nude pictures

51. I have had more than one partner in a 24 hour period

52. I am a member of the Mile-High Club.

53. I have taken a trip longer than an hour just for a booty call

54. I stopped during this list to have sex.

Okay, now it's time for my personal thoughts on the list:

3. I have had sex while watching porn. No. But I've had sex after reading Laurell K. Hamilton so that my partner didn't have to do much work.

5. I sleep better after sex. Of course. But to be specific, I'd sleep better after having a bath after I've had sex.

6. There are some nights I cannot sleep without sex or masturbating. Are there other kinds of nights? Does counting sheep actually work for anybody?

7. The bed is NOT my most favorite place to have sex. Well, actually, I think it is. As far as I can remember, it is the only place I've had sex. I refuse to do it in a car, and any other place that I've offered did not meet with my partner's approval.

8. I am turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate. No. Masturbating is for me, not anyone who might be watching. Mostly, so I can sleep. Why would I want anyone to watch? Especially when I'm trying to get to sleep?

9. I have had sex knowning someone else was watching. No. But his mother did walk in once when we were starting to do something. I pretended that I was asleep and she went away.

11. I have masturbated for someone over a web cam. 12. I have had sex over a web cam. No to both of those. It's amazing to me that anyone would send that sort of thing electronically anyway. It would be my luck that I would set it up wrong like that guy on American Pie. No way.

13. I have had a one night stand. No, I have not. It's always very strange to me that people brag about having one. Why would you ever want anyone to know that? If you've had a one night stand, either it wasn't any good for you, or it wasn't any good for your partner. It was so bad for someone that it isn't worth doing a second time. To be fair, I almost offered for someone who was visiting from Boston. I mean, it wouldn't have been like he was dumping me, he was just going back to Boston. We decided it was better that we just stayed friends. And there was one time that I might have wished was just the one time. The second time wasn't any better.

14. I have been tied up during sex. 15. I have had sex with someone who was tied up. Not me. If there are restriants that have some way to get out of them in an emergency, I'd probably try that. But I was never with anyone who wanted to restrain me that wasn't insulted by my need to be able to get out of the restraints on my own. There was some cop show where they were looking for a rapist, but it turned out that the girl just made up the story after her boyfriend was run over by a bus and she was just too embarrassed to explain that her boyfriend had left her tied up in the room. I couldn't take a chance on something like that happening to me.

16. I have dripped wax onto a lover's body. Well, I think maybe I did, but I don't think it was on purpose.

17. I have had a lover drip wax onto my body. Again, I don't remember it being a planned thing.

18. I have a foot fetish. 19. I have a leather fetish. 20. I have a tickle fetish. No. I do not have a fetish that I am aware of. Though I would have liked to try some costumes and stuff like that.

22. I have had phone sex. No. I like real sex.

23. I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence. I wouldn't say it was on display, and it doesn't met many people's definition of erotic. But my husband has done some art on the computer.

25. **Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget. I only recently found the store, so it's not part of my budget. Unless you could maybe count Spencer's, but I mostly went there for other stuff. Mostly. But no, still not part of my regular budget.

30. I have given/received a facial. I'm not sure what that means. Is it just oral sex? 69 dude!

32. I would participate in sex research given the opportunity. That depends on the research and what I'm expected to do. Take a survey? Sure. Try out a new lubricant in the privacy of my own home. Sure. Be in one of Dr. Kinsey's sex flims? Not going to happen.

33. My current lover does not sufficiently meet my sexual needs. That would take too long to explain, so we'll skip this one.

35. I want to have sex with someone on my blogroll. I don't have a blogroll.

36. I have had sex at my place of employment. I am unemployed.

38. Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac. Well, someone might. But it's a normal hormone rush, and it's pretty much on schedule. And it's unbelievable that I actually got complaints over it.

39. I am difficult to live with if I'm not having sex on a regular basis. You think?

40. **I sleep better with someone snuggled up next to me. I sleep better with someone in the bed with me, but for a good night's sleep he needs to be on his side of the bed.

41. **I have had sex under water. I offered to try to have sex in the ocean, but no.

42. I have had sex in the snow. What is snow?

45. I have had more than ten orgasms in one night. Due to someone not showing the least bit of interest in the hormone rush, I'm not sure I've had much more than that a week.

47. I have given sex as a gift. I have done sexual things that are not my favorite on someone's birthday. Does that count?

48. I have set-up a three-way for my lover. No. I jokingly said that we should have sex while a certain person watched, so that she would get it through her thick head that we were not over. But, she's pretty thick (in more ways than one) and I guess that wouldn't have made a difference to her anyway.

49. **I have made a video having sex. I think that porno tapes that you've made yourself are the only kind that you should watch. But no, I haven't. And I won't now, because that sort of thing requires trust.

50. **I have taken nude pictures. Not only have I not taken nude pictures, but I do not have any erotic pictures of myself that I have wanted for more than ten years, and my husband is a professional photographer. So I guess that I'm never going to get those pictures. Again, that sort of thing requires trust.

51. I have had more than one partner in a 24 hour period. No. I felt bad enough that I kissed two boys in the same weekend.

52. I am a member of the Mile-High Club. No. That would be worse than doing it in a car.

54. I stopped during this list to have sex. I was alone in the house, and it wasn't time to sleep yet, so no, I did not.