Tuesday, July 29, 2008

And the clock is back to zero

I have made no progress for several weeks on, I don't know, anything. I decide to do something and then soon enough change my mind and end up doing something entirely different or nothing at all.

After having a really bad day a while back that did not quite come out of nowhere, I've had most of an okay week and even a few days that were mostly pleasant. I begin to tell myself that maybe things are not that bad. But things are going to get that bad soon enough, financially speaking anyway, and I should deal with this and that and the other thing first. And then, of course, I do nothing. Now that there are times when I am not literally too depressed to do anything, I find that I am often too tired to do anything, and of course right now it is too hot to do anything outside and sometimes inside.

Though we did plan ahead a bit and go to the Home Depot and get foam and such, somehow Sunday came and went without our having fixed the problem of properly installing the air conditioner in the window, so there is still this gap around it. Monday also came and went without anything being done about it, and nothing will get done about it today either. Tomorrow I am busy, and it is not the sort of thing he can do by himself tomorrow any more than I can get the job done today without him. So it might get done Thursday, maybe.

Other than getting nothing done and the temperature getting four degrees over a hundred and all of that, I have almost had a pleasant few days. And as I drift off to sleep thinking that things are not that bad at the moment, I have a total change of heart in the middle of the night. For some reason, my husband got up to adjust the air conditioner. He knows that I've already set it to the maximum that I can stand, and I can't imagine that he wanted it warmer, so really he had no business doing that in the first place. But he did it anyway, only he somehow managed to screw up and turn the thing to fan only, and we woke up a few hours later to a very unpleasant warm room. So the air conditioner was turned back on. It was hot for a long time while the air conditioner tried to cool the room down again, and then about the time that it was cool again it started to get too cold for me to sleep comfortably, but not cold enough for me to really wake up and to go and deal with the problem myself.

Then when I finally do get back to sleep I have this terrible dream that we have gone and melted the polar ice caps or some damned thing. The world was coming to an end and everyone was going to die. Really, everyone was going to die, there was no doubt about it in anyone's mind. There was a lot of moving about to avert one thing or another, but then at some point everyone knows that everyone is going to get it eventually anyway, so there's really no point in all of this stuff that everyone was trying to do. And if literally everyone is going to die anyway, one might as well go home and be reasonable comfortable for a bit before that. I should like to see my mother and all of that. So we head for home and almost get there, when we have some difficulty with something, and we decide not to travel that last little bit if we can't contact my mother. And then my husband and I get separated and it all gets very scary, even though other than that nothing really bad is happening. So that last bit of everything being relatively normal is wasted while we are either trying to find each other or trying to contact other family. And then we do find each other, but before we figure out what are we supposed to do now, I wake up.

Not the most pleasant way to start the day.

Now real life rears its ugly head. Someone has died. Not someone in my immediate family, but someone close enough that I would want to go to the funeral. I'm the grown up now, and while I should have had to deal with this sort of thing for the last twenty years or so, somehow with the business travel and all I haven't gone to many funerals until maybe the last five years or so. I guess that I'm getting used to them. They're not all bad. You do get to see people that you don't normally see.

Anyway, I guess that my mother wasn't entirely happy with whatever I wore to Dad's funeral. At some point after that, we were at a mall and she said that she didn't like my black clothes (which is not a surprise as she has been saying that for about twenty years), and that she should buy me a nice black dress, just in case I had to go to a funeral or something. So she bought me a dress, and then like a week later, somebody died. And then a month or two later, someone else died. I ended up wearing the dress a bit more than I liked. But I did at least have the dress, and if and when I did have to go to a funeral, I did not have to think about what to wear.

The last funeral I went to was a bit after Easter, and I wore the dress. And I think that I was a bit overdressed. But there were a lot of people at the funeral wearing all kinds of things, so it wasn't too weird. But still, I do now wonder if maybe there isn't something a bit rude about being better dressed at a funeral than other people in general and the immediate family in particular. Further more, the funeral is to be held in the middle of nowhere, and I expect the people are even less likely to be dressed up out there than they might be around here. And then there is the damned 100+ degree weather, which is not the ideal time to wear my finest black dress. And I'm afraid that I hadn't given it much thought until this morning, when my mother called to remind me of the time and confirm that I would be riding with them, etc.... And I had the time so stuck in my mind that I totally forgot about the drive time to get to the middle of nowhere, so I'll need to wear something that I won't mind having on that long, and I'd forgotten that I'd actually have to get up early to get ready. I'll have to set my alarm clock and everything.

So now I don't really know what I'll wear to the funeral. I guess I'll be spending some time today trying on clothes and such. Not my favorite thing to do at the moment, but it is necessary and I need to quit whining about it and get on with it.

I am already tired and want to forget the whole thing and go back to bed. There is at least a reason for feeling so tired today, but it's not really enough of an excuse to actually do that.


Eunice said...

Sorry about feeling like a slug and having to go to a funeral. I often feel like doing nothing. It's a terrilbe affliction, when so much needs to be done! I don't know how to get out of my funk at times. I want to feel good about my life for a change.

steve said...

They told me to cheer up, things could get worse...
So I cheered up and sure as Hell...
Things got worse!