Sunday, January 31, 2010

Phone call from my mother

Okay, I said that I might come back later and write about getting a phone call from my mother, and now that I've had some time to cool off, that is what I will do. But first let me say that the weather that threatened to get messy was only that, messy and and wet, not icy and dangerous. So it didn't really do anything to me or to anybody that I know, and my husband got home safely and all of that.

Anyway, a few days ago, I got a phone call from my mother, again asking me to help out with grandma. If you have been reading a while you know that this has been going on for more than five years, and that I keep thinking that we are done talking about this and that she won't ask again, but somehow she does.

So several months ago we had this serious talk on the subject, and she acted like she didn't get it that I really didn't want to do this, that the subject was closed, that I was avoiding talking to her because whatever the reason for calling me was supposed to be that she somehow managed to bring up grandma and couldn't I help her out with that, etc.... Now, I have tried to be nice, tried not to be mean and just blurt out "no, I don't want to do that, and I'm never going to, so just shut up," but I can't believe that I was somehow unclear on the subject. So I spelled it out. The subject was closed years before, and this was never going to happen, and it was now at the point that if she didn't tell me she understood that I would just have to stop talking to her at all.

So she said that she understood. She wouldn't ask me anymore. She really didn't understand that "I'm not comfortable with that" and "I would rather not" meant "It absolutely isn't going to happen."

And so I thought we were finally done with that.

A bit before Christmas, my grandma had to go into the hospital. And it was decided that she would need someone when she got out of the hospital, cause she really couldn't stay by herself anymore. And I just know that she isn't suggesting that I do it, cause we have already had this discussion and I had made myself very clear. And while my mom is talking, she even mentions that I have made myself very clear, she is just talking about what has been decided needs to be done for grandma, even though she understands that she can't ask me to do it.

But after she is talking for a while, after I relax cause she has said that she knows she can't ask me, she does sort of get around to asking me again, but she thinks that this doesn't count as her asking me, cause she is asking me on behalf of her brother. My uncle agrees that someone should stay with grandma, even if we have to go out and hire a stranger, but my uncle thought that I should have first refusal.

And so I was about to refuse when she mentioned how much money they would pay me.

Okay, I really could use the money, so I was thinking about it. I convince myself that the worse thing that could happen is that it wouldn't work out and I'd have some money in my pocket before they figured that out, and then they would know that I couldn't do the job and they would never ask me again.

Of course, that isn't the worse thing that could happen. There are much worse things that could happen, like I could get in a really bad fight with either my mom or grandma or my uncles or even all of them, and this could permanently damage our relationship. Or, they could leave me alone with grandma, and something could happen that I couldn't handle, and then what would I do?

And of course my mother never addressed my original questions of what would happen if I did take this job and I hurt myself. I wouldn't get workman's comp like at a real job, and I can't very well sue my grandma. Was mom going to take care of that sort of thing from her own pocket.

I never did get any of that straightened out. She seemed to think I was making all that up.

But still, they were dangling money in front of me, and I was thinking about it.

So, my plan was to help out for a few days for free, once grandma got out of the hospital, and then I would have a better idea what the job would actually be and be able to say yes or no, and if there was something I couldn't handle there would be other people there too. Only my mom said that she didn't need any help the first day, or the next day, or the next day.

And then she seemed to be getting worse. I don't remember the conversation exactly, but I hear something that told me she was beyond my ability to help anyway, that she really needed a nurse or at least a nurse aid, someone used to dealing with sick old people. I forgot about it and mentally moved on.

So a few days ago, my mother calls, and she needs an answer soon cause she really needs to hire someone, even if it isn't me.


I told her I assumed that was done with, that grandma needed more than I could do, and that everyone knew that, and that was why no one had wanted my help when I offered to do stuff for free, and no one had even talked to me about it since December.

And she is asking me what exactly it is that I don't want to do, and I tell her some specific things that I refuse to do, and she says that I wouldn't ever have to do that.

And I say that I don't believe her.

And I say that since my offer of free help was turned down, that they must need a lot more help than that. They just didn't want me over there to see how bad it was.

And my mom is saying that she has to go do something, and that I should think about it and she'll call me back.

She doesn't call back as soon as I would like, so I decide to get it over with myself. I don't want to think about it. It took me two weeks to talk myself into offering to help before, and I had mentally moved on when they didn't want my help. It would take me another two weeks to talk myself into trying again, and it would be a very unpleasant two weeks, and probably nothing would come of it, or nothing good anyway. So I call her back and tell her that I don't need to think about it, I just need to say no and get that over with. She said that she understood and she would talk to me later.

I keep thinking that we are done with this. I wonder if we are.

My skin hurts again. The stress of talking about this stuff with my mother and the earlier incident have ruined all the progress that I thought I had made. I have all this work that I plan to do, but most of it doesn't get done and I stay in bed and watch a lot of TV.

Enough of that. My skin still hurts, but I have to make cookies or something before the meeting today. I doubt that the meeting is going to be fun, but at least it should be a distraction.

No comments: