Yesterday was bad

Okay, I guess most of you reading this already know my situation. I feel physically bad sometimes because of it. But you'll notice that I now say sometimes. For about two years it was everyday. Now I'll go days or even a week without really noticing it, and even when it is noticeable it isn't that bad. If the rest of the world wasn't the way it is right now, I probably would have gone out and got a job by now.

But the rest of the world is the way it is now. And of course, when I almost feel normal again (not actually good, I don't think actually feeling good again is in my near future, just not so bad) something else will happen to make me go back to feeling bad again.

Anyway, yesterday we had a bad fight. So despite all my plans of getting up and doing stuff while I didn't feel so bad, all the positive feelings of the past month or so are gone now. But I am determined that I am not going to spend the whole day in bed feeling sorry for myself, even if it is too late to work on the particular project I had thought I would finish today.

My husband goes out of town sometimes on business. This doesn't happen as often as it used to, but it does still happen once in a while. One time he left for a week or so, and while he was gone I misplaced my car key. It was very annoying being stuck in the house all of the time and not even being able to go to the grocery store. And it is not like I go many places anyway, but that weekend I did have plans, and he wasn't going to be home in time for me to get the key from him. I did find the key before the weekend came, but the incident did leave me very frustrated that I didn't have a third key for the car. And unlike all my other vehicles I can't just go to Walmart and pay three dollars to have a duplicate made, because it is one of those two hundred dollar keys with the computer chip. I didn't want to spend that much, and I thought that there is really no reason for my husband to carry around the spare with him all the time. He doesn't drive the car, he just carries the spare for those rare times that I ask him to put something in the car or get something from the car, and he really doesn't need to have the key in his pocket all the time for that, and he especially doesn't need to take the key with him out of town where it does me no good at all. So I meant to ask him for the key when he got back, but I forgot, and I just keep forgetting, except for after he leaves on one of these rare trips. And of course by the time he gets home I forget again, so for about a year or so I have meant to get the key from him, but I forget, but it rarely matters as his trips are so rare now, and most of the time I end up going with him anyway.

So there was a sudden change of plans yesterday, and he was going out of town for three days, and the schedule was such that it would have been inconvenient for me to go with him, even without the fact that I keep saying that I should get some work done, probably in the garden, and I should not use this trip as an excuse to again put off doing the work. So it was decided that I would not go, and I was trying to help him with getting packed and such, and then I remembered to get the key off of his key ring. Only he saw what I was doing, and he took the key away from me. So I tried to take it back, but this time I was physically restrained from getting my key. My arm is still a bit sore from the incident, but I did finally get my key after we had a fight about it. And he has said that he is sorry my arm hurts, and that he didn't realize I would be injured, but this is not even the first time he has said this, and he doesn't seem to get it that he did anything wrong by trying to keep my key in the first place.

And no one could really be that stupid. It can't be that he doesn't get that he was wrong, he just doesn't care. He wants what he wants, even if it is something bad or something that makes no sense, and if I object or get in his way, that is too bad, and he will say it is my fault if I get hurt, whether it is mental or emotional or physical. Like it would only really be his fault if he hit me with something bigger than his thumb.

I really don't know what to do. I wish I had moved back in with my mother, back in that very small period of time that we were getting along. Maybe if I had we would still be getting along, or maybe without his interference I would have gotten the job that I really wanted and would have found some other way to come up with the rest of the money that I needed to take care of myself. But this really is too much, and when he gets back I will have to act as though nothing has happened, or it will be even worse.