Monday, October 27, 2008

You make me depressed

Okay, so I've already complained about how much life sucks, and how that people don't seem to get that life still sucks even if it has been two and a half years now. It doesn't suck less now that it's been two and a half years, it sucks more because I feel like I have wasted the two and a half years. And that is on top of feeling like I wasted the fifteen years or so before that.

And, yes, I do get that the only thing worse than feeling like I've wasted years in the past is to continue to waste years in the future. But I have no great ideas on how to do that. Still, even when I have half a good idea of how to get started on that, I make plans to do something, only to have something get in my way, like someone lying to me, or there being a flood, or I get sick, or the car breaks down, etc....

Really, I do think this stuff out. I think, I cannot get a job that will pay the bills, but maybe I can get a job that will pay some of the bills, and maybe after that something better will turn up. And with the way things are going now, I'm not even sure that I can get a job that will pay some of the bills, but I do at least plan on trying to do that and see what happens.

There is this endless circle of nonsense getting in my way. Even if I find a job that I want to apply for, I cannot go on job interviews without suitable clothes. Right now, I do not have suitable clothes. I have gained about twenty pounds this year. Most of my clothes either do not fit or do not look good or both. So I do not have clothes to wear to interviews, and if I might get a job, I would not have any clothes to wear to the job either. I should not buy much in the way of job clothing until I actually have a job and know what clothing I would need for it. But I at least know that I need to buy clothes for going to interviews, but besides feeling bad about buying any clothes because of being overweight and not wanting to spend money on clothes until I look good again, there is the fact of just not having any money to buy clothes anyway. I have decided that I have to buy at least two outfits for interviews, and that after I get offered a job I will have to go out that day and buy clothes for the job even if it means borrowing money or paying for the clothes with change that takes an hour to count out.

And that is just the clothes. There's also trying to get some sleep and my health in general and some health things in particular and insurance and whether or not to take jobs that require me to be out after dark, etc.... And then I have this fear that after I get this job that will not pay all of the bills but will hopefully pay for some of the bills, that I will just lose the job and be worse off than before. I would have preferred to deal with one thing at a time, in the proper order. But, no, things were not done properly or in order, so it is very possible that after a get a job I will lose the job because of missed work or illness or just a plain old nervous breakdown. And that really does seem worse to me, to have a job and rely on the little money that the job does bring in, and then not only lose that job and that money, but then there is also the problem of having to get another one, and instead of having to get over the bit of having no recent work history I would then have to get over having a bad recent work history. Having to explain that I haven't had a job for a while is bad enough, but having to explain that I lost my last job because I missed a lot of work seems worse to me, especially when I would have to explain why I missed work and it would just seem like I should have known better than to go back to work before I had dealt with the other things.

It has been strongly suggested that I go to counseling. And it has been pointed out that I could probably get counseling for free at a certain place from a certain person. The whole counseling thing in general bothers me, and getting counseling from this particular person at this particular place bothers me even more. I don't think that talking about my problems is going to help, it is just going to make me more upset more of the time. Telling someone about the Homewrecking-Slut doesn't change what happened. Telling someone that I am worried about getting a job doesn't change the fact that I need one and probably cannot get one that will pay the bills. Really, talking to people about all this stuff usually results in me losing the little resolve I have to even try to do anything. All that I can see coming from this counseling is that yet someone else will know my personal business, and that bothers me in general, and it bothers me even more that someone at this particular place would know my business.

So that all makes me very tired to even think about, much less actually get out there and look for a job or anything. But I've been thinking about it, and I've been thinking that now is a good time to look for a job, even if it will not pay all of the bills and so forth. I feel like if I don't do something soon, that I will get really depressed again, and it will be a really long time before I again make an effort to get on with things.

I had come a point where I had decided to give myself a deadline, that up until that point I would get as much of the house cleaning and such done as I could, and that after that I should actually have to go out and fill out job applications, even if I knew that either I probably would not get the job, or that if I did get the job it would not be enough money to pay the bills and such anyway. And while I was thinking about that, someone offered to help me, and that gave me even more resolve to get on with things. Like maybe if I just do this one thing, maybe I will feel better, and maybe something else will turn up, etc....

So I have been trying to stay positive for this past month, looking forward to the party and such, and then thinking about this deadline I had set for myself. And then I was talking to this person who had offered to help, saying how much I appreciated it and so forth. Only I was told that I had misunderstood, that the offered help wasn't what it first sounded like, that there were strings attached, and the help was only offered if I was trying to get jobs that would pay all the bills, etc....

If I could just go out and get a job that would pay all of the bills, why would I need anyone's help anyway?

I have only twice in my life had jobs that paid enough to pay all of the bills. The first one I had was being a traveling salesperson, and I was only doing that because my husband was a traveling photographer. I wasn't really very good at it, and I was only able to do it at all because my husband was the photographer. The second job I had that paid the bills was only enough to pay the bills in the summer, as the rest of the year it wasn't full time and I would have had to get another job in the mornings somewhere else. I never found out if that would have worked out, and I went back to school. At the time I never had any doubt that I would be able to find another job that would pay the bills, except that after I got out of school I was further in debt than I imagined and had more bills, and the jobs I found paid a little less than I had made before going back to school.

So I got so depressed after having this discussion that I pretty much changed my mind about getting a job at all.

I have now calmed down a bit and have a different plan. I am still going to go look for a job, even if there aren't any that I can get that will pay all of the bills. If I get a job I will use the money to find a doctor that I like better, even if I have to get one who isn't on my insurance plan, and maybe after I've dealt with that maybe I'll figure out what to do next.

I've decided that's what I need to do, even if from now on I have to totally ignore my husband and stop talking to this person who is supposedly going to help me after I figure out how to get a job that pays all of the bills. This really sucks, because I had already come to the conclusion that if I really want a job, even a dumb job that doesn't pay all of the bills, that I will probably have to get up most of the other things that make me happy right now. There will probably be no more ceramics, maybe until the summer, or maybe even for several years, or maybe even never again. And I will not be asking time off to do club stuff, except maybe for this last thing that I will do with my friends about a week before Christmas, and maybe I won't even be able to do that. So no ceramics, no club stuff, no hanging out with friends. Probably not much in the way of other arts and crafts stuff, unless it is mostly made of stuff that I already have. After I do this one last thing next week, getting a job, even a dumb job that doesn't pay the bills, is my main priority. Period.

1 comment:

bulletholes said...

"This is how we go day at a time, one breath at a time, one pain at a time..."
I'll have to find the rest of this because its so GREAT!
It probably won't help, but its still GREAT....