Thursday, January 10, 2008

More drama with my mother

Earlier I had blogged about dreading a certain conversation that I expected to have with my mother. Only when I called her back she didn't mention that anything was wrong, and she didn't put a lot of pressure on my to help out with grandma. I was greatly relieved that wasn't what she wanted. I thought the subject was finally closed.

But, no. Last week she called very upset, saying she didn't know what to do, and wouldn't I please consider....

No, I would not consider taking a job helping out grandma. I'm sure that sounds very mean, but I don't think it would be a very good idea. I don't think that I would be that much help anyway, and it would just be a distraction for me. And not a good distraction like an art class. Just a distraction that would upset me and keep me from making any progress with my own problems.

Besides, I had agreed to do this more than two years ago. I didn't want to do it then either, but I thought that I really needed the money. But then when I agreed to this "job", I was told that there wasn't actually a "job" yet, and that they would have to talk about it some more, etc.... So for me, that was the end of it. I'm still quite upset over that part of it.

When I mentioned this to my mother, she didn't even remember what I was talking about.

I can't help but wonder if I'd had this "job" when it was first offered if the events of the past few years would have been totally different. Maybe if we'd had more money, my husband would have been happier and wouldn't have gotten it into his head to do what he did. Or maybe he would have still would have done what he did, but maybe if I'd had a job at the time I would have just made him get out and stay out. Or maybe it wouldn't have made any difference at all. Or maybe I would have tried this "job" for a couple of weeks and it wouldn't have worked out and that would have been the end of my mom asking me to help out.

But mom doesn't remember offering me a "job" that didn't really exist, and she doesn't understand why that would upset me anyway. I didn't upset myself further trying to explain it. I just stayed on the phone and listened to her be upset and try to ask me the same thing from different directions.

The answer is still no.

So I thought that was finally the end of it. But, no, she called again yesterday. I'd thought maybe she'd called to see how I was doing and make sure that I wasn't mad at her for the call last week, or maybe she was going to tell me that they decided to do instead of hiring me. But she actually asked me again. I guess that when she'd asked before I shouldn't have tried to sound polite and say stuff like "I don't think so" and "probably not" and "I'm really not comfortable with that." I should have just said "no." But having said flat out "no", I wouldn't have thought that she would be calling back to ask again. No means no.

Next week I'll be back in ceramics class. Not that ceramics class actually fixes anything, it just makes me feel better for a while. And this might be my last class. I have no further agreements with my husband to take more art classes, so I shouldn't take anymore until after I find a job. I rarely take summer classes, and I've decided that art class in the fall doesn't leave me enough time to do Halloween stuff and Christmas stuff, so I plan to skip the next fall semester. Which means that after this class I probably won't have anymore school until the next spring semester, and that is just too far in the future for me to consider right now. I hate that I've made absolutely no progress in resolving my situation since last spring. It will be really sad if in another year I am still in this same place yet again.

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