Monday, February 09, 2009

500th post--Why one should not kill bad guys with your favorite Bat'leth

I should have posted this sooner. I meant to, but I didn't. I apoligize.

Okay, time has gotten away from me and I wasn't paying attention to the count, and here it is time for the 500th post.

Actually, it was time for the 500th post last week, but I forgot, and I wrote something completely silly. I cannot have that be my 500th post, so I will delete it once I finish this, and it will be as though it never really happened, like several episodes of Star Trek Voyager and the season of Dallas before Bobby steps out of the shower.

I realize that some of you have heard this from me before, but due to recent events I've decided to write it all down again, as I cannot remember how much was said before or whom it was said to. And I think that there would be similar reasons why one should not attempt to rob a 7-Eleven with a Bat'leth either.

(And, yes, I do know that the weapon in the recent news story turned out not to be a Bat'leth, but I thought it was still relevant anyway.)

Reasons not to murder whomever needs killing with a Bat'leth (or Ren Faire sword, or Jackal, or other collectible blade, or one-of-a-kind handmade weapon):

First of all, you never want to go after someone with something fancy like a Bat'leth. You want to choose the most mundane weapon that you are comfortable using. Common weapons include scissors, steak knives, letter openers, ice picks, and gardening tools. If it is known that you have some motive for killing the victim, and that the victim was killed with a Bat'leth, and that you have a Bat'leth, then you very quickly become the main suspect. But if the victim was killed with scissors, and just about everyone has scissors, then you may become lost among a number of other suspects.

Ideally, the murder weapon will be something that belongs to the victim, and it will not point to anyone. Or else the weapon will be something that belongs to another suspect and will at least not point to you.

Second, you will want to clean and dispose of the murder weapon. And you don't want to part with your Bat'leth, do you? You probably really like your Bat'leth, or you wouldn't have one in the first place. Most of the time a Bat'leth will cost more than scissors and scissors are easier to replace. In addition to whatever problem caused you to want the victim to die in the first place, don't let this final act cost you something that you value.

Third, a Bat'leth is a bit difficult to carry about in an inconspicuous manner. A Bat'leth will not fit inside of your purse or briefcase or book bag, while scissors and steak knives will. People will see you carrying your Bat'leth and wonder if you're about to kill someone with it. People who see you with your normal book bag, which may contain scissors, will not wonder about much of anything.

So that is about it. I think that my earlier bit was a little longer, but these were the main points. I just happened to have worked all this out one day, long before the guy started robbing convenience stores.

Now that I have written it down again, it seems to me that there might be a few reasons that you would want to kill someone with your Bat'leth.

Everyone who knows you knows that you are a nerd, and that you don't even take your action figures out of their packages, because it ruins their value as collectibles. If you can't stand the thought of ruining a toy, it is even less likely that you would want to risk damaging your Bat'leth by actually fighting someone with it. Actually killing someone with it would be even worse, as that would mean you would have to get blood on it and possibly get blood on the hand grips. Blood stains, and if you killed someone with your Bat'leth you might never get it clean again. So everyone would know that you would never deliberately kill someone with your Bat'leth. People would think that it had to be an accident, or something done in self-defense, or else you didn't really do it at all and someone did this with your weapon to try to frame you.

Or perhaps everyone already knows that you want to kill a certain person, and there is absolutely no way of that person ending up dead without everyone knowing that you are somehow responsible. You decide that your only option is to go ahead and do it yourself, but you're thinking ahead and planning an insanity defense. And of course you would have to be insane to kill someone with your beloved collectible Bat'leth. You can go ahead and skip all attempts at stealth and subterfuge and just kill the guy in front of everyone. Maybe to be on the safe side you should say something about believing the victim was a shape-shifting alien invader. That would explain why you disliked this person in the first place.

So I think that's about it now. If you don't want to get caught, don't use your Bat'leth. If you're sure that you would get caught anyway, use the Bat'leth and say it was an accident or self-defense, or else claim temporary insanity.


dmarks said...

Congrats on your 500th post.

This makes me want to go the pawn shop to see if they have any Bat'leths right now. Unlike some, I've not seen one in person, unless perhaps it was in the museum section of the "Star Trek Experience" in Las Vegas, in which case it went unnotied along with zillions of other Trek items.

dmarks said...

I went to the pawn shop the other day. What a disappointment. The Star Trek signed photo gallery they used to have up on their wall (not for sale) is long gone. And no bat'leths.