June 7th will pass now

I didn't get a divorce today.

That's not so unusual, is it? I didn't get a divorce yesterday or the day before either. But I could have. I could have gotten a divorce pretty much any day since last August, but I didn't.

Today, I was either supposed to go to court and find out when the divorce would be final, or let the case be dismissed. I'm not going to court today. So far as I know, my husband isn't going to court today either. In fact, he probably doesn't even remember that today is the last day to do that.

I should say something to mark the passing of this day, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. I do not feel relieved like I thought I would. On the one hand, I feel better than I did a year ago. On the other hand, I do not have the hope that I had a year ago. I thought that we were going to have this new wonderful relationship. I thought that he would get saved and make other changes in his life and things would be better than they were before, and that it would all be worth it in the end. I didn't see why I had to go through all of that horrible stuff first, but that's what I thought was going to happen. I thought that I had gone through hell, but something good would come out of it.

Instead I have gone through hell and ended up with things being almost the same as they were to begin with. Except that I'm not head over heals in love with him anymore. And I've lost ten or fifteen pounds, and I look better than I did, but my health isn't as good. And I just don't trust him. The day to day stuff is mostly back to normal, but it just isn't the same.

Before I was happy a lot of the time and at least content most of the time. And I had the occasional bad day just like anybody else. Now I have the occasional happy day, some content days, but mostly I have days that I just get through and think are maybe not so bad. And then there have been a lot of bad days. And there have been more absolutely miserable days in the last year or so than I had in my whole adult life before this happened.

Even when I am having a good day, even when I am happy, on my best days I still do not get through a whole day without thinking about it and wondering how a person could do something like this to someone else, and why did they go through with it after they knew it wasn't going to make them happy?

So that is what my life is like at the moment, and I'm not happy about it, but I don't feel like I can do anything about it right now. Sometimes I wish that it was over and done with, but I see that I'm not really ready for that right now, and he's refused to help me financially if he's not living in this house. I should have known that he was lying about that from the beginning, but somehow it was still a shock to hear that he wasn't going to do what he promised. He has asked me where he was supposed to get the money to pay for my place and an apartment, and it's probably true that he doesn't have that much money, but he makes about 50% more money than he did when he first started all this.

Still, I have been convinced to let the matter drop, that getting a divorce right now is not the best thing for either one of us. And since then there was the drama about the car and all the medical stuff, so I guess it's good that he wasn't being reasonable about things a while back or I'd be divorced by now and have no health insurance and no car.

But now that I've gotten used to the idea again, and now that it doesn't seem so bad, now he wants to talk. For the most part I have been letting him have his way to avoid arguing. But I see no point in talking and getting myself upset when I know that he's not going to do anything to make things better. I am very suspicious now. It just seems like he was stalling so that I would miss this deadline.