Monday, June 11, 2007

Monday Morons--Thanks Mom, but that's not really helping

Okay, if you've been paying intention, you know that my husband filed for divorce about a year ago and then at the end of the week decided he'd made a mistake. But that was a horrible week for me, and the month before that was hell, and the year since then hasn't been great.

I have some sort of problem with my skin. There's nothing on my skin, but whenever I get upset my skin feels terrible, sort of like a sunburn. You can't see it, but it really hurts, and sometimes it hurts so bad that I really can't do anything. But there's nothing on my skin. It's all in my head.

My husband has promised me all kinds of things to save our marriage, but he never does them. He doesn't even seem to realize that he hasn't done them. And it's a year later, and he's never even made a motion to have the case dismissed.

So he doesn't want a divorce, but he doesn't want to do anything to keep me either. I can't figure him out.

We got a notice from the court to either move forward with the divorce or drop it. I wasn't happy about it. I needed more time. But I finally decided that getting on with the divorce was probably the best thing, and I hoped that he was going to keep his word and keep paying the bills and such. With the money he said he'd pay me and the money I hoped I could make on my own, I'd just barely get by.

He didn't take the news well. I won't go into that.

A week later he's promising me stuff again, and I agreed to give him another chance. I went and asked the lawyer if we could have more time. He said he could get two more months if we went to counseling.

Of course, he did maybe one or two things that he said he would do and seems to have forgotten the rest of it. We haven't been to counseling. I did not call the lawyer back and lie and say we were in counseling. The case was supposed to be dropped last week.

In the last few months, I found out that I have all these health problems, and I needed a new car. So I wasn't going to be able to afford a divorce anyway. I was just barely going to get by on what I thought I could make myself in addition to the money my husband promised me a year ago. We did not figure in health costs or the cost of a new car.

So I thought that it was just as well that he didn't want a divorce, because now I can't afford to get one anyway. And the case was supposed to be dropped last week, but it wasn't. For some reason, my lawyer went and asked for the extra two months even though I did not call and ask him to do that, and my husband and I are not in counseling. So we are supposed to go to court and do something in August. I haven't called the lawyer. I have no idea what to say to him.

While all this is going on, my mom calls from time to time.

Have you thought about getting a job?

Of course I've thought about getting a job.

What kind of job do you want to try to get?

I don't know.

What kind of job to you think you'd like?

I don't know.

Are you going to try to get a good job?

I'm not qualified for anything I'd call a good job. No one cares that I went back to school and got that English degree. I've only had two jobs that paid enough to pay the bills, and I can't do either of them right now. And one of them was in sales, and sales is evil and I don't want to do that anymore. I'm probably going to end up with a retail job, and that's not going to pay enough.

I don't know why you want to do something like that. I don't know what you just don't look for a good job.

We have these conversations all the time. She never figures out what a good job is, or who is hiring for these good jobs, but somehow it's my fault that I just don't go out and find one. (She only had two outside jobs in her whole life, and neither one of those were "good jobs" and she quit them after a few months.) And then every once in a while she asks why I didn't go and get a retail job, because even if it isn't a good job it's better than staying home and doing nothing.

She's just constantly asking me what I'm going to do. She doesn't really have any helpful suggestions, but she'll just ask what I'm going to do. Like I'm suddenly going to remember what job I should get just because she asks me.

So I've gotten to the point where I just don't even want to talk to my mom. I haven't even gone by to show her the new car. A visit with her or a phone call from her usually means a totally wasted day. Not only have I wasted the time I spend with her, but I usually get upset and don't do anything for the rest of the day. And she knows I have this problem with my skin, and she just keeps talking even though she can see and hear me freaking out. She just makes it worse, and for some reason she keeps talking even after I get to the point where I flat out tell her to shut up.

So I still don't know what to do. And I still have this skin problem that no one has even heard of. And I really don't have anyone to talk to about it. I used to talk to my husband about everything, but he's the problem so I can't really talk to him. The next person I would talk to about things was my mom, in case I wanted to talk about "girl stuff" but I don't want to talk to her anymore either. So that's about it. The club people are nice, but they don't seem to get a lot of it. And unlike my mother and me they have jobs and can't sit around and talk anyway.


The Diva's Thoughts said...

Have you thought about becoming an English teacher? You totally could since you have your degree.

How are your computer skills?

laughingattheslut said...

That was what I originally went back to school to do. But then it didn't seem like such a good idea. The degree plan kept changing, and I finally just dropped the education stuff and got a regular English degree.

Computers are okay if I'm doing the same stuff everyday. And it doesn't do any good to take a class unless there's something for me to do right after the class. I took intro to computers a long time ago, and then I had to basically take the same thing again for the education stuff. That class had a different name, but it was pretty much the same class, but with a few added things that are only good if you're an education major in Texas. Only that stuff wasn't really up and running when we took the class, so it was kind of a waste of time.

evil-e said...

Mothers can be very helpful sometimes. Other times they make you want to take out a 12 gauge and go to the mall. I always love the conversation with mom that begins and ends with the same question. I think they think they can fool us with now like they did when we were kids. Mom means well, but sometimes it is better to not say anything.

Babybull40 said...

Mothers don't always get us.. They think they are trying to help but in the end they are only making it worse..

Tara said...

I love my mom, and I can usually confide in her like a good friend. However, sometimes she'll lecture me at the worst time when I'm feeling the lowest. I wind up more upset about what she's said to me than what upset me in the first place.

David in DC said...

I've spent a lot of time in therapy on this one. My dad killed himself when I was only 2, so my relationship with my mom was, of necessity, a very close one.

Once I became an adult, she was as free with her advice as when I was a kid. Often, if I discussed a problem with her, she volunteered solutions. Often, when I DIDN'T discuss problems with her, she still offered up solutions.

I've finally learned that she doesn't mean to suggest I'm less than an adult when she suggests this or that; but that, at some level of awareness, I take it that way.
"If she thought I was a grown-up," the undermining little internal voice goes, "she would trust you to solve your problems herself and limit her input to sympathy, minus the suggestions or proffered solutions."

Of course, from her point of view, she can't see why suggestions made in good faith are anything less than positive. She doesn't pout if I don't take her advice. She means well.

By being purposefully conscious of the fact that the comments and suggestions are not intended to undermine my adult self-image, I find her suggestions a lot less vexing.

Few moms really mean to undermine their kids with suggestions or offers of help. It's as much how we hear them as what they're saying.

If that helps, Laughing, I'm glad.

If not, feel free to ignore me. I won't be insulted and have full faith in your ability to manage your life yourself.


Plump Pigeon said...

my mums favourite saying of the moment is ''If i were you...''

''If i were you, I'd get to the job centre tomorrow''

''If i were you, i'd do it this way..''

and on and on. Then she gets annoyed when i dont do what SHE would do, because, surprise surprise, I am not her.

Sorry to hear you are going through such a bad time. I hope things look up soon.

Philip. said...

Damn, you're having a hard time :-(

I'd get Elizabeth to go and sort your husband out :-) -