Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Remembering being sick before

I don't feel well, again. I pretty much feel like I did last Wednesday. Just a bit sick, but nothing that actually qualifies as illness. Nothing like throwing up and having mysterious pains that require a visit to the doctor, just not getting enough sleep at night, queasy stomach, and that sort of thing. Probably the same thing again, and probably psychosomatic.

Great. I'm psycho. But you already knew that, didn't you?

My husband is going to go out of town soon, and I want to make a special effort to be nice to him before he goes. It's like I feel a fight coming on, but I really don't want to have one right now. I think that right before a person goes out of town is a terrible time to have a fight. I don't suppose that there are really good times to have fights, but if you have a fight before a person is going away for a week, then you don't have an opportunity to kiss and make up or whatever. Or maybe the person will die in a horrible car wreck while he is away, and the last thing that you have to remember is that you had a fight before he left. Stuff like that just makes this the worst time to have a fight.

So I think that if I'm really nice and/or keep my mouth shut for just a bit longer, he'll be leaving for a while, and then we can't have a fight for at least the time that he's away. And maybe if he's away for a bit, I'll feel better for a while and then there just won't be any fight.

So that's what I'm thinking, and that's probably why I feel sick, cause I'm trying so hard to avoid fighting and/or saying something I'll regret, etc....

And then there's the usual stuff. There's the ongoing housework and yard work and such that I never seem to get to. Having a few days to myself would be a good time to get started on some stuff, which I probably won't do, because I'm starting to feel sick. See? But it's probably just that psycho stuff again.

I was remembering another time that I felt sick a lot. Back before I was married, I developed a bit of dislike for a lot of food, mainly red meat. I don't remember doing a lot of lying around whining about feeling sick, but I do remember getting sick after not eating sometimes, which I was not doing because everything seemed to have too much red meat or grease or some other disagreeable thing. Come to think of it, this happened about the same time as I was breaking it off with my third fiance. Not that I actually "broke up" with him for a long time, and not that I didn't still see him for a long time after we more officially "broke up", but I knew that a two year relationship would probably end even if I didn't say the words, because I felt like we were drifting apart and he didn't seem bothered by it. That all ended with me getting back together with an old flame, and then feeling sick on such a regular basis that I worried I was pregnant.

I wasn't pregnant then, and I'm pretty sure that I'm not pregnant now. I've taken my normal precautions, plus some extras, so it is highly unlikely. But it does all remind me of before.

It was different before. I didn't feel so completely useless over it. I lived with my parents and didn't do much in the way of housework, so I wasn't always tripping over the evidence that I don't feel like getting out of bed. And I was in school at the time, and I could still read quite well even when sick in bed, so much of what I was doing continued as usual no matter how bad I felt. Still, it did cause me to get some poor grades in one particular class, cause I kept falling asleep and missing the lectures.

Today is one of those days that if I felt better, I'd throw half the stuff in the house out on the curb. Well, not quite. And a lot of it is yarn and books that I plan to keep. But here is a box of I don't know what, and it's just right here in the hallway, and I have no idea why I put it there.

It has recently been suggested that I would feel a bit better if I used the exercise bike a bit while I watched some TV. And to start with, I was advised to just sit on the bike and not actually do any exercise. Just get in the habit of going over to sit on the bike, and then when I feel better in a week or so I might actually start exercising. Only there's a bunch of stuff piled up on top of the bike, so I can't even do that.

Okay, the husband has left the building. So I think I can relax for a few days and not worry about fights. Now if I could just find something to eat that doesn't either make me sick or make me gain weight, and then if I could just get the grass cut and do some housework, that would be great.

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