Friday, January 09, 2009

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired

I don't feel well today. I don't have the flu or a cold or suspect that I have food poisoning or any of that stuff. I have a bit of a queasy stomach off and on, mostly off this week, but Monday wasn't a great day. I had another annoying aliment to deal with Tuesday and took something for it and should have been good to go by yesterday. And now today I seem to have yet a third thing to deal with.

This stuff used to happen to me all the time twenty years ago. I was convinced that something was really wrong with me, that no matter how smart I was or how good a person I was, I would never be able to keep a job because I just seemed to feel bad so often. And of course when there was nothing really wrong with me and I was starting to feel good enough to go out and do stuff, then it would be that time of the month, which meant a lot of pain and usually three days in bed.

Really, who wants to hire someone who spends at least three days a month in bed?

But I found that birth control pills helped with that, and I've been taking them most of the time since I was eighteen. With that problem under control, I found that I felt better the rest of the month too, and I had a few jobs in college, mostly during the summer break.

About a year or two after I got married, I had some other problems. I won't go into them. Just that I know other women have had to deal with similar things once in a while, but I seemed to have to deal with them all the time. One problem would clear up and a week or two later I would have to deal with something else. I would get very tired after having done little or no work. Twice I was taken off of the birth control pills and told that a rest from them might help. I didn't have a job then, but with my husband's weird schedule it was hard to have a job anyway.

Most of it just seemed to be nerves or something. Except for having to take birth control pills and getting colds and such occasionally like everyone else, I thought that I was all better.

And then I seemed to get tired more than I used to. And then all this stuff happened to me. And then I started having problems that I haven't had in years.

And I wonder if there's something really wrong with me. But it is probably just nerves like before.

Only before I thought that I was really happy. I had a reason to want to feel better and go out and do things. I don't feel like that now. I just don't want to feel bad, but when I do feel bad I don't have any desire to do anything. I'll fine with staying in bed all day if that's what it takes. I would rather not feel bad, but I have no plans to do much of anything once I feel better.

So last night I realized that I was having the symptoms of yet another ailment. I haven't had this particular problem in such a long time that I was a bit slow in trying to do something about it. I don't go the the doctor a lot, cause I figure that mainly I'm going to get a lecture on prevention and then told to stay in bed and drink lots of fluids. I don't need a lecture, and I can stay in bed and drink fluids without paying a doctor to tell me that. But there are a couple of times that I have to go to the doctor, and I was thinking that today might be one of those times. I usually wait a couple of days, but I didn't get much sleep last night. Maybe I should just go. And today is payday, so we should have some money coming in. Not much money cause of the seasonal layoffs, but some.

I've checked, and there's no money. He is going out of town next week, and there's not enough money for him to go out of town and for me to go to the doctor.

So I guess that I'm not going to the doctor after all.

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