Monday, February 26, 2007

Monday Morons

Some blogs have regular features. I read a blog that has something called Hump Day Hotties on Wednesdays. I am thinking of starting something called Monday Morons.

When I don't have a new moron to complain about, I can always find something to say about the Bimbo. I could do that. I could limit my remarks about the Bimbo to Mondays. Or I could limit my remarks about the Bimbo to some other day, and complain about other people on Mondays. I haven't decided yet. I really not even sure if the Monday Moron thing should be a regular feature. I'm still thinking.

But, I will give it a try.

The first moron I am going to complain about is...myself.

Some not so serious stuff first.

I am currently taking a ceramics class at a local junior college. I already have a BA. I do not need the credit. I tried to take it non-credit, but I wasn't given that option at this campus, and I had no intention of driving somewhere else.

Part of the idea of taking this class was that I would have a distraction, but not make a commitment of my time that even a part-time job would require. I would be able to just skip class if something more important came up. I could go away for a week or two with my husband if I wanted. If there was an assignment that I didn't think I would learn from and would not result in an art project that I would want to keep, I could just skip it and do something else.

But somehow, that is not what is happening. It is still a college course, and I am still taking it seriously like I would any other college course. I have not skipped any classes or refused to do projects. I am even taking quizzes. Once in a while, I set aside time to study for them.

Part of the problem is that I couldn't take the class at that campus for non-credit. So a bad grade would go on my permanent record and get figured into my GPA. I tell myself that I will never go back to school for another degree. But on the other hand, I don't want to get so many bad grades in classes that I take for personal enrichment that I don't have the option of going back to get another degree.

And another thing is that none of the assignments are exactly like the ones from the previous class, and I do want to learn this stuff. I don't really want to skip classes or assignments. I took this class because I really wanted to work on this stuff, not because I had nothing better to do.

And on the subject of getting away for a week or two, I meant to always have a bag packed so I'd be ready to go. Just a small bag, with socks and underwear and a few pairs of pants and a swimsuit, so that all I would have to do was add a few shirts, mostly t-shirts or turtlenecks, depending on the weather and where we were going. But, except for choosing the shirts, the rest of it should already be done and ready to go.

And to make things really easy, I should even have the makeup and such already packed. Those are the things that I tend to forget, the makeup and the toothbrush and such that I can't pack until the day we leave, cause I have to use them that morning. So, I thought I'd go buy duplicates of everything like makeup and a toothbrush and little little bottles of shampoo and all of that. And I remember thinking that was a good idea, and I remember going out and buying extra makeup and a toothbrush and all of that.

I have no idea where I put any of this stuff. I am quite sure that I went out and spent fifty dollars or so, thinking that even if I never went on another trip, I would eventually need to buy more of this stuff anyway, so I might as well buy some while it was on sale and have it packed until I needed it. But I don't know what I did after I bought all of this stuff. It wasn't that long ago, so I don't really think that I used it already and forgot about it. Most of it is just missing, cause I did not pack it away as soon as I bought it, and I have no idea where it went.

So my husband has wanted me to go with him last week, but I didn't go. And he wanted me to go with him this week, but I didn't go. So, now he has asked me to go with him next week, and I am thinking about it. Among other things I will have to consider what I am going to miss at school, and whether or not I can find my misplaced purchases before next Monday.

On a more serious topic...

Why am I doing any of this stuff now?

Why did I take him back? Okay, I know why I took him back. He is my husband, and I still love him. But he wasn't supposed to come back. I said good-bye, and that last hour we talked, I was hurt, but I wasn't really mad, and I was never supposed to speak to him ever again if he did what he did. After that, there were conditions if he wanted to come back. I wanted him to get saved. More than anything I wanted him to get saved. So, if he was going to come back, he was going to have to talk to someone at church, and he was going to be saved, and we would have a whole new wonderful life together. And, he had some other problems that he was supposed to get help with. There were other conditions, but those were the main things.

None of those conditions have been met. He did not get saved, he did not even talk to anyone at church, and he did not get help or do any of the little things that he knew he would have to do if he came back. Not only have these condition not been met, but he doesn't even remember that there were conditions, which to me just proves that he needs to get help.

I shouldn't have let him come home until the conditions were met, but I thought that letting him come home would make it easier for him to do what needed to be done. I was trying to be patient. I would ask him once in a while if he was ready to talk to someone, and he'd say no, and I would wait. About a month after he was home I thought I had waited long enough, when was he going to talk to someone? And that's when he told me that he had no intention of doing any of that, and he didn't even understand why I would expect him to do anything like that.

I should have asked him to leave then, but I didn't. I'd gotten used to having him around again. I gave it some serious thought and decided if he would do a few things for me that I would really try to put this behind us.

And he didn't do them either.

I caught him emailing her. I should have thrown him out. I told him that he was going to have to go, but I didn't expect him to go that night. But I wouldn't sleep with him anymore. He started acting weird. I was afraid he might kill himself or have a car wreck or something. I made him stay until he seemed normal again. I didn't ask him to leave afterward.

I got a book on saving your marriage. There are all these things to do together. Lists to make. I thought since he likes self-help books that this might work for us.

The book said that we should take a trip together, and we did that. But he didn't seem interested in reading the book or doing anything it said.

Okay. This isn't going to work. I accepted that. And I thought that I was going to be okay. I just needed to deal with the house and get a job and such, and then we could get on with the legal stuff. I wasn't in a hurry, but I just knew that it wasn't going to happen. I was very sad about it, but I was pretty calm about it. We didn't have a fight or anything. I didn't even feel I needed to talk to him about it.

But then he seemed to get the wrong idea. He thought that things were better. He thought that I had suddenly got over it. I had to set him straight. I wasn't mad. I almost laughed. But I didn't feel like I had to fix our marriage anymore. It was over. I wasn't even asking him to move out, and I didn't even ask him to sleep in the other room. We needed to move on. I thought we might even be friends for a while.

He said he didn't want that. He wanted to work on our marriage. He promised to do all kinds of things, and he put some of it in writing, and he even started to read that book.

He didn't do any of the things that he promised.

I thought, I'll be okay in time. I told him if he would just do two things for me, we could stay married. He still needed to do whatever it is a person is supposed to do after they file for divorce and then change their minds. And if he would sign a post nuptial agreement, that would prove to me that he really wanted me back instead of just wanting to be back in the house.

He said no.

I still thought that things would work out if I gave it a little more time. I signed up for the ceramics class as a distraction. I don't want a divorce right now. I think that something bad is coming, and I won't want to be alone when it does. But I know that it isn't going to work out in the long run. It would really take a miracle for us to stay together. But for right now I don't feel up to doing anything, so I'm just sort of sitting here waiting for a miracle.

The strange thing is that I didn't realize until a week or so ago how much I wanted that miracle. I thought that I was getting used to the idea of us not being together anymore. Now I don't want that at all.

3 comments:

Rachel said...

Holy Guacamole!! Man, I feel for you. I can just feel the pain oozing out from your writing.
I don't know what I would do in this situation. Honestly.
I do know that you can't put conditions on someone elses spirituality. I know that you want him to be saved, but just saying the words to please you won't do it. If he decides to accept Christ in his life it has to be his decision 100%. Anything less is a waste of everyone's time.
I will be praying for you girl!

laughingattheslut said...

I didn't think I was putting conditions on his spirituality. That was just the condition I had for us being married. And I explained all that to him. I told him that I never wanted to hear from him again. And then I thought, he's going to do this stupid thing, realize what he's done when it's too late, and then he'll kill himself. I can't let him kill himself. So I told him that even after it was too late for us, if he wanted to talk to someone at church, he could call me and I'd help him. So, he calls me the next day, and tells me that I was right about everything. What was I supposed to think? I thought that he felt bad about what he had done and he wanted to get right with God and then make things right with us. And I really did think that would work, that if he had a clean slate with God then he could have a clean slate with me to.

Eighteen or so years ago, he lied to me and told me he'd been saved. I was sort of trying to break up with him. I loved him, but he wasn't a Christian, so I knew it wouldn't work, so we needed to part before we seriously got hurt. So he told me that he'd been saved after a suicide attempt. And I believed him, because a lot of times that is how it happens, that a person will turn to God after something bad like that happens. He said that he didn't like some people at church, and I understood that, but church was part of my life and he would have to go with me at least once a month, and he agreed to it. After we were married, we couldn't go to church for a while because of work schedules, so I didn't realize there was going to be a problem for a couple of years. Then, when we could go to church, he refused, and said that he didn't remember agreeing to any of this stuff. I still didn't grasp that he had lied to me. I didn't get that until just recently. I thought he had maybe said something that I misunderstood, and that I filled in the blanks with stuff I wanted to hear. I just couldn't imagine that he would lie to me. I've since found out he's lied about other important things.

I still can't quite get it all through my head. He'll say something, and I'll be happy for a while, and then I'll remember that he's a liar and why should I believe anything he says?

nobodyinparticular said...

It doesn't do any harm to pray for miracles. They do happen sometimes, even if I feel right now that I'm not one of the best people to say that. But there always is some hope.