Friday, November 03, 2006

I'm a lot happier these days, but it just isn't what it was

As much fun as all the shopping has been, I really don't like being bought. That's what it feels like sometimes. Hey, this really horrible thing was done to you, but now you have money, so everything's good now, right?

I mean, what does one thing have to do with the other?

He got this good paying job right after what he did, but it's not like he got the job because of what he did. I am still wondering if he could have gotten this job last year, except that he went to the interview with a bad attitude.

Speaking of going to the interview with a bad attitude, I'm wondering if I didn't get a job at the community college because I asked off on Mondays. Again, it's not like I need the job, and if I had gotten the job I wouldn't have been able to go to Kansas or any of that stuff, but I am starting to regret not trying harder to get that job, or at least another job like it at the same place. That job wasn't particularly great, but if I was already working there I might hear when a better job was available or something like that.

Too late now I suppose, but now that the silly temp job is done I'm wondering what to do next.

I've fallen back into bad habits. Just because I have money now doesn't mean I should just go out and spend it. This week we've gone out to eat almost every meal, including breakfast. Now, some of that was just stuff we wanted to do, and some of it was because we had coupons that were about to expire, but some of it was just I don't want to wash dishes today and other nonsense like that.

Anyway, I was so hoping that something positive would come out of this whole experience, but now I don't think that's going to happen. I remember stuff that happened when we were together when I was seventeen, and I finally had to leave him because of it. It was really hard, and I was physically ill afterward. I never completely got over it, and it took almost two years and a new boyfriend for me to feel normal again. We we met again after being apart for four years, I was so impressed at how much he had grown as a person. He did seem so very sorry for what happened, and it even seemed like he had tried to change because of it.
So I had hoped that something similar would happen now, but it hasn't. I wonder if that's partially my fault for letting him come home so soon. I mean, he did this horrible thing, and then nothing happened to him afterward. I told him that he could come back, but there were condtions. Those conditions have not been met, and later he told me he didn't even remember that there were conditions and that he had no intention of doing any of it. By the time he said this I was just too upset to lose him again, so I didn't ask him to leave. Maybe I should have.

So I don't know what to do now, but there doesn't seem to be any hurry.

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