Sort of like Shallow Hal, but not

I used to have what the guy on Shallow Hal had. I used to look at my husband and think he was beautiful on the outside, and I already knew he was beautiful on the inside.

Then I learned he was not so beautiful on the inside.

So now, when I look at him, or even think about him, there's no telling what I'll see.

Sometimes I still see this beautiful person that I always thought he was.

Sometimes I see this ugly thing that lied to get me to marry him, that never meant the vows he took even as the words were coming out of his mouth, and that has been planning to do this awful thing to me for over four years.

And sometimes I see that he's nothing special, not on the outside, not on the inside. He probably never was, and probably he still doesn't want to be.

After seventeen years, we had something special, in spite all of that. But he didn't want it anymore, and now it's gone forever.

But I still think I'll in love with him.

I should quit waiting around for him to do what's right, but somehow I can't. I keep hoping. I want so much for him to be okay. I want so much for him to get help, so I'll start seeing that beautiful person all the time like before.

But I guess there's just nothing for me to see.

Still, I didn't send him away when I finally felt up to it, because I was afraid he would hurt himself. Somewhere in there is a small piece of the person I loved so much, and I don't want it to go away.

I need to get on with my life, but I don't feel up to it today.