Nothing really important to do, and glad of it

I don't have a career. I guess I never really wanted one until recently. I always wanted to be a writer or an artist, and that either happens or it doesn't. You can go to medical school or law school and become a doctor or a lawyer and be pretty sure that someone will hire you. It doesn't really work that way with the stuff I wanted to do. You can't get a degree that says novel writer and feel certain that someone is going to publish your novel. Someone will publish your novel if you wrote a good novel that someone likes and believes will make money.

I had originally thought that my odds of getting a novel published would be better without having a career. I expected to get some sort of job that I would leave at the end of the day and forget about it, go home, and write or work on some art project. A career would have just been a distraction. A career would have meant having to think about work even when I wasn't at work, and I would never get any writing done.

So, no career. Only, I didn't end up getting that much writing done either. The jobs that I thought that I could leave at the end of the day seemed to follow me home anyway. It took time to relax. Often I would spend a lot of time talking about dumb things that happened at work. By the time I did that and then had dinner and the usual stuff, I was tired and didn't feel like writing. There usually just wasn't that much time for it.

So, no career, and not much writing. And not only did the jobs that I had still distract me from my writing, they didn't pay very much. I don't know what kind of career I might have had if I had planned better, but most of the jobs that I have had just didn't pay the bills. Even with the bad planning, I might have done something like manage a movie theater. Not much of career choice, but something that I was interested in just before I got married. After I got married I mostly gave up on the idea. It seemed like I was being asked to do extra shifts and take shifts that I really didn't want just because I might be interested in being a management trainee next time it was available. And I finally said, no thanks. After I get to be a management trainee I'll have all kinds of weird hours and not get to see as much of my husband and my family and friends, etc.... So working the weird hours and such before then without much in the way of compensation just didn't seem worth the effort. I'll just do my job that I was hired to do, and if someone wants to recommend me for a promotion, I'll jump through hoops then to get the job done, but not before.

At the time I was next in line for the promotion, but no one told me, so I quit to get the same job at a different theater that was closer to the house. And it was a different company, so I hoped that I would have better luck there. After a couple of years of working at different theaters, my husband convinced me to give up on the idea entirely and just quit the job and stay home. At the time it seemed like a sensible idea. I didn't mean for it to be forever, but later when I wanted to go back to work it was really hard to do with the one car and my husband's strange schedule.

I did finally have time to write for a while. I finished a novel. I typed it up and sent it off.

No one published it.

So no career, no published novel, no job, and no money to speak of. About five years ago it really started to bug me that I didn't have a career. I went back to school and thought about trying a few different things, but they didn't work out. Still, without the career I got one novel finished and I got to do a lot of other things, and until about a year and a half ago I was really enjoying my life. Then all that stuff happened, and it really sucked that I didn't even have a job much less a career, and I really felt trapped.

But this week is one of those rare weeks that I'm glad I don't have a career, and I'm glad that right now I don't even have a job. I don't feel well, but I don't really have to do anything today except try to feel better. I have no job to go to. I have no one waiting for me to do anything important. I had plans for the day, but for the most part no one but me will be inconvenienced if I don't do them. I can just go back to bed. I am not a doctor with patients who need me. I am not a lawyer with people waiting on me to get to the courthouse. I am not even a cashier whose absence will cause all the customers to be delayed because now all of the other cashiers have longer lines.

I have art class tonight, and I don't even think that I will go to that. I brought my project home, and if I feel up to it I will work on it later. If I don't feel up to it, it can wait. I can go back to bed and do nothing if I want to. And I don't have to worry about anyone but myself if I am behind schedule tomorrow.

I am taking a totally guilt free sick day.

Later.